Predictions! Worth their weight in a gold-like substance! Assuming of course that substance is very, very light. First though, in order to assure our flightier readers that I am in fact qualified to make accurate predictions, I now present my predictions for last season...
...son of a bitch. Apparently I just made a prediction for the Packers last year. Sure for you this isn't a big deal, it's just a new paragraph. But I had to go back and re-read all my posts in the archives just to find this stuff, and the stuff was just a really long post justifying a 9-7 record.
The only saving grace being that I was only off by one game. Aaaaand since I'm still bitter about how the Rams game ended I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back and pretend I nailed it. Life is roughly 12% more awesome when you lie to yourself. Definitely try it.
So, my predictions for the NFC North:
Chicago Bears 11-5
Green Bay Packers 10-6
Detroit Lions 7-9
Minnesota Vikings 5-11
I think the Bears are due for a big dropoff. I actually wanted to put them lower but I still think they're better than the Packers. I hate to say that but it's true. On the plus side the term "bear" is now much more common in gay lexicon than "packer" is. So we have that going for us, which is nice.
My reasons for the dropoff include the following:
A) Offseason strife with Tank getting cut, Lance Briggs acting like an idiot, Urlacher realizing that Vitamin Water can't get rid of whatever it is Paris Hilton gave him, etc.
B) Just a guess but I don't think Devin Hester's going to have 19 punt/kick returns for TD's this year. These things level out.
C) Ced Benson isn't all that reliable.
The Lions are improved thanks to Calvin Johnson, Tatum Bell and the populace's overall acceptance with "Furrey" Culture coming into the fore. Or not. I still don't believe this team wins more than it loses. The Defense is sketchy, the coaches are incompatible and Matt Millen still seems like he should be hosting a support group at the local Y for guys who love their 'staches.
The Vikings are compelling for the sole reason that they are not compelling. They have no interesting players, the fans are so bored with Brad Childress and his "kickass offense" that they still haven't sold out the season opener AND Tarvaris Jackson doesn't look like the answer. And this is coming from Viking fans, the most unrealistically optimistic people ever. I'm excited to watch the meltdown. By the way, unofficially in a post last year I noted the Vikings would struggle to a 6-10 record. Nailed it! They're far worse this year. It will be fun to hear commentators try to explain that the old adage of "run the ball and stop the other team's running game" theory doesn't really get you wins when you pass for 95 yards and give up 4oo to the other team.
My breakdown of the Pack comes later this week.