Every year about this time national and local columnists knock out a byline or two about A) the pointlessness of 4 preseason games or B) the value the games have for some guy who will be lucky to play on special teams or C) they pretend the games actually have meaning. It's kinda sad really. So we here at Cheeseandpackers decided to get to the bottom of it. What follows is an interview that took place between me and Mr. Preseason-Football. A lawyer for the NFL accompanied him for the interview.
MFPACK: So tell me, what is it like to be a season nobody really enjoys?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: What do you mean? People love me. Tonight Randy Moss returns to Minnesota! Yeah!
MFPACK: But he'll maybe run 2 fly patterns and then just jog around for a bit. Is that really worth the price of a ticket?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: These are world-class athletes. Even just seeing them for a handful of plays is amazing. Bring the kids!
MFPACK: What gets you fired up about, um, yourself?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: The Hall of Fame game. The first Monday night broadcast with the new announcers. Watching some guy's Fantasy Football team's season go down in flames when his favorite running back snaps a tibia.
(At this point in the interview the NFL Lawyer stops and interrupts Mr. Preseason.)
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: Can we strike that last part from the record?
MFPACK: No. We're sort of a fly by the seat of our pants operation. And we have no money so suing us will do you no good.
(At this point the NFL Lawyer reviews our financial records and, realizing there's no money in this for him, he leaves the interview).
MFPACK: So, what else can we expect to see in the future games?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: (Lighting a cigarette while simultaneously pulling a flask from his jacket pocket). You really care about that crap? C'mon man, I know my role. I just have to act all fired up when the suits are around.
MFPACK: Aren't you worried they'll read this on our fantastic website?
PREASEASON FOOTBALL: First off - the website is about as fantastic as a new pair of undies buddy. They may be nice but it ain't something to get all fired up about. Second - what are they gonna do to me? Cut me in half and make it an 18 game regular season? They've been threatening that for years. They ain't messing with me.
MFPACK: Do you feel bad when players get injured during such an unimportant time?
PREASEASON FOOTBALL: Not at all, man. In fact I have it as part of my contract that somebody big time has to go down every year during one of my games.
MFPACK: You request this?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: Yeah, dude. Publicity is good no matter what. Gets people talkin'. You want a pull off this Wild Turkey?
MFPACK: Sure. (drinks). So tell me what it's like, what's your year round schedule?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: Well, as you can imagine, I don't do a whole lot. I'll go check out minor league seasons and see how they're doing. I have a weekly card game with some of the fellas like NHL Season and Minor League Baseball Season. Those guys are fun.
MFPACK: You relate to them the most?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: Well there's definitely a heirarchy y'know? NFL Season and MLB Season don't hang out with the rest of us. NBA Season used to hang out but his posse kept on starting fights with NASCAR Season so we banned 'em both from the card game.
MFPACK: Wow. What about college seasons?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: A few years back we invited Women's College Basketball Season to a party, but that just got awkward. NBA Season left the party early with them. That's why you got Women's Crew Season on college campuses now. Unholy offspring of that night.
MFPACK: I have no way of verifying that so I'm just gonna go with it. You seem like an honest fella. Any last words you'd like to leave our readers with?
PRESEASON FOOTBALL: I'm a good time. Not great. Hangin' out with me is sorta like making out with a girl while just over her shoulder you can see an even more fetching little lady who wants to go all the way y'know? I know who I am. I just appreciate the time I get.